Star Trek Monty Python style
by Spiny Norman
Summary: No alien life forms today! (Note. Chapter 1 is based on the Monty Python audio sketch "The Day Nothing Happened".)
1. Chapter 1

Stardate 4785.3 was much like any other stardate in the galaxy. Captain James T. Kirk was on the bridge of the starship Enterprise as usual, when nothing happened. Baffled, captain Kirk asked his crew for reports, but one scan of the area confirmed his suspicions: a few kilometers off the starbord bough there was no Klingon vessel decloaking, on port side there was no space-time anomaly causing a rift between parallel dimensions. Ahead there were no unknown objects from alien civilisations, on the subspace radio, there was no prerecorded distress signal - nothing. For captain Kirk and the crew of the starship Enterprise, this was not the start of any dangerous mission, which would under no circumstance have led him accross no neutral zone, never to beam down to a deserted planet, which would, had he not been uninvolved, have led to nothing but the overload of the warp core. 

James Kirk sat down on the command chair in the same manner he always did.

Spock: Good morning, captain.

Kirk: Good morning, mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock's keen eyes couldn't help noticing the complete absence of unusual tricorder readings from the captain. Nor did he notice anything unusual that date in the captain's behaviour.

Kirk: Has Scotty installed the new dilithium crystals, mr. Spock?

Spock: Yes, captain.

Kirk: Good.

Kirk presses a button: "Captain's log. If it weren't for the total lack of challenges around us, and our sworn obedience to the prime directive, today, we would have surely contacted a mysterious alien entity, which would have led us to the one place where all star ships go: where noone has gone before."


	2. Chapter 2

Spock is on a deserted planet in foul weather. Desperately, he shouts a distress call in the communicator.  
Spock: Beam me up! In the name of captain Kirk and the federation, beam me up!  
Spock is beamed up, and collapses on the platform.  
Female crewmember: Hello.  
Zoot: Welcome, gentle astronaut, to the star ship Anthrax. I am first officer Zoot.  
Spock (raises eyebrow): The star ship Anthrax?  
Zoot: Yes, it's not a very good name is it? But its crew is gentle and dedicated, and attend to your every need.  
Oh, but you are injured! Let's get you to sickbay immediately!  
We are but 8 score of blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19.5.  
Oh, it is a very lonely life aboard this ship!  
Spock: This cannot be! I am sworn to the prime directive!

He walks through a door and enters main engineering. All the personnel are girls.  
All girls say one after another: Hello... Hello... Hello.

He runs into another room. It is the bridge.  
Spock: Zoot!  
Captain Dingo: No, I am captain Dingo, Zoot's identical twin sister.  
Spock: Torment me no longer! I have seen the grail!  
Captain Dingo: Oh no! Bad Zoot! Bad, naughty, insubordinate Zoot!  
She has been transmitting the distress signal, which I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  
Spock: It's not the real grail?  
Captain Dingo (embarassed): It's not the first time we've had this problem.  
And here, aboard the USS Anthrax, we have only one penalty for transmitting the distress call.  
You must tie her down on the bridge, and spank her.  
Spock: I am a vulcan, I have no emotions. On the other hand, it would be logical to stay just a bit longer...

Aboard beams a landing party  
Sulu: Set phasers on kill. Quick, come with us mr. Spock. You're in great peril!  
Spock: I don't think I am.  
Zoot: Who are you?  
Sulu: Silence, foul temptress! (To communicator) Mr. Scott, four to beam up!  
Spock: Look, it's out duty to seek out new life and new civilisations. Beam me back there and let me do my job as a science officer.  
Sulu: No, it's against the prime directive.  
Spock: I bet you're gay.  
Sulu: No I'm not!

Sulu: Captain, there's a rabbit decloaking off the starboard bow.  
Kirk: Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny.  
Spock: Captain, sensors indicate this is not an ordinary rabbit. Look at the star ship debris in this area.  
It is quite possibly one of the most ruthless life forms in our galaxy. I recommend we go to red alert.  
Checkov: What does he do? Nibble your ears?  
McCoy: Jim, don't listen to him. It's a fluffy rabbit, that's all. We've got no reason to kill it.  
Kirk: Fire a photon torpedo, just scare it away.

It's the killer rabbit. The bunny eats the missile and proceeds to eat the saucer section of the ship.  
Spock: "Just a fluffy rabbit", doctor?  
Scotty on intercom: Captain, I don't know how much longer she can take it.


End file.
